How to Love in a Digital World, According to The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm    

Social media and dating apps have become some of the most frequently used conduits through which people try to experience love. In his book, The Art of Loving, German-American psychoanalyst Erich Fromm explores the concept of love as a skill of deliberate selflessness and empathy. Fromm argues that to develop the capacity to love, one must consciously overcome fears of vulnerability, consistently work on displays of compassion, and learn to love selflessly.

Despite being written in 1956, The Art of Loving has become increasingly relevant as it reflects the modern relationship with social media. People, especially younger generations, now commonly meet through social media and online dating apps, where they portray themselves in an ideal light. People forming perfect representations of themselves on social media make it difficult for each other to be seen beyond pre-established expectations.

In The Art of Loving, Fromm writes, “Love isn't something natural. Rather, it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.” Love is arguably more than just faith and emotional connection between two people. Dedication and diligence to one another is required to maintain a healthy relationship.

Fromm challenges social media's modern portrayal of love: Perfect people in perfect harmony with one another. This portrayal fails to show the deliberate nature of love, causing people to think of  relationships as purely being loved rather than loving.

Although many might like to believe they can love selflessly, it is increasingly rare in a world that values consumerism. In consumerist culture, people tend to choose a partner that has something to offer in return, like commodities being bought, sold, or traded. People become what they have to offer in social status, ignoring love as an intimate connection between two people. This leads to a superficial view of love. Connections between people become about appearance and material goods, such as wealth, assets, or even simply dating partners for food.

As it is becoming more difficult for one to find honest love, Fromm’s answer to consumerism may help individuals sincerely connect with one another. Fromm’s solution is to love everyone equally. If an individual hates one person and loves another, that person forms a hierarchy of value in his mind. This causes one’s selfless love to become about comparison, about how one person is better than another, and connects individuals to superficial gain. This idea of loving everyone allows people to reach deeper emotional connections to each other.

Fromm continues his argument of love requiring hard work with another passage in The Art of Loving, elaborating, “ If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.” The duality of a person’s nature is addressed by the suggestion Fromm makes, to love with rationality and logic instead of emotion and impulse. He does not argue against the initial spark many may feel, but instead questions the constancy and dependability behind these emotions. Fromm provides a more logical approach to love, that is derived from one’s capacity for constant commitment.

Love is the act of deliberate selflessness, and people must learn to focus on others and let go of expectations. Regardless of the Valentine’s season, remember to remind the people around you of their value and importance.